“We all have mental health, but we all do not have mental illness…”
Through the years, there have been absolute evidence that much of the services and supports that individuals utilize on a daily basis in order to better cope with certain emotions/feelings or mental disorders, has not been proven helpful or effective to “everyone”. The history also points to the African American’s reluctance to seek assistance or to speak with someone from the dominant culture (White population). Many of us do not immediately connect this reluctance to the history or racism, prejudice, slavery, and discrimination; which are integral parts of American history and of the African American experience. This writing is not to continue rehashing the history or to create a Us vs Them situation. It’s about enlightening and informing, in an effort to begin healing during the current climate we are in. There are some communities that are really in crisis and some do not even acknowledge it. This moment of crisis can either break everyone or create solid supports to assist those who are suffering.
Seeking help for intense emotions, confusion, fears, substance use, or cognitive difficulties was something that was not sought. If you were to even bring it up, the messages received was that you were weak, you were told to suck it up, man-up, or just get over it. I’m my earlier years, the phrase was “put a H on your chest and handle it”. In knowing this or hearing this, you would never ask for help with what you were experiencing. So, you just hold on and stuff the feelings. These messages have been handed down from one generation to the next. Even today, many of us as adults, are relaying this to our young people. This is unfortunate. Many of us remember and know the old adage, “what goes on my in house stays in my house”. We may have heard this from our parents, other family members, or some of us are relaying this same message to our young today. When this is being relayed to anyone in the home, especially to a young person, it can be troubling in the long run. If I have to utter these words at any point means that something occurring in the home shouldn’t be occurring. These things could be:
*Neglect (lack of food, cleanliness, or care)
*Other forms of Abuse
*Abruptly Absent Parent (due to incarceration)
*Emotionally Unavailable Parent
So, we tell our young people in our homes to be sure to keep all of these things a secret and go out into the world and be the best person they can be. However, when they screw up in the process they will be punished on some level. Just imagine that. That’s a lot to put on a young person to carry around and expect them to be fully functioning and worry-free individuals. Many of the above listed issues that are present in the home will or can result in forms of “trauma”. Trauma isn’t just about being a victim of a violent situation or crime. Being witness to many of those things listed have a great potential to result in trauma. As you can notice, “emotionally unavailable parent” is list as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I take care of mine” or “they don’t need for nothing”. Yes, we can house a child and buy them things, but are we emotionally available for them, when they are in need? When a parent isn’t there at this level, it can be devastating.
Now, we are seeing a lot of young black males acting out in so many ways that are damaging to themselves and to the communities in which they live. The acts of violence, neglect of others, and perpetuation of the “no snitching” mentality is a direct manifestation of what they’ve experienced and learned at a very early age for many (don’t talk, don’t tell). These are the same messages they’ve probably heard over and over when they were little boys until it became common practice. They become most loyal to those who will do them the worse harm. They begin exhibiting some of the same actions they’ve either witnessed at home or on their block. Keep in mind that trauma related responses can manifest into a person becoming a perpetrator of such violence or neglect. Some retaliations are about fear and survival tactics related to trauma. This isn’t about blame, but a way to bring some of what is being seen to the forefront.
Think of adult men who have gone through some of the same things and have never addressed it. Many are currently struggling to keep it together or they may have difficulty managing their own emotions, despite now being an adult. That same fear instilled in them at an early age about seeking counseling or guidance from a professional, still exists. How do we reach these individuals to help them move out of fear and into healing? It is imperative that we act now.
As a clinician/therapist, it is acknowledged that many service centers or agencies have psychological testing the tend to result in skewed results. Meaning, many of the assessment tools used are not culturally competent, or they do not really address the needs of the African American client, nor do they put into account the experiences of this such client when considering providing services. This may not mean much to you at the moment, but I needed to mention this because this is an added reason that help isn’t sought. It’s time to create a space for Black Males in order to speak their truth and begin to heal. There are a number of qualified professionals and paraprofessionals that can assist and guide. However, the courage to change must be included in order to do so. Having more culturally competent assessment tools and services that not only address client deficits (lack of education, unemployed, substance use, criminal history, homelessness, etc.), but address the characteristics that this population of people bring to counseling sessions is critical. This will be an ongoing matter that should be addressed. Some may disagree with what’s said here, but it’s paramount the we at least begin conversation.
C. W. Stratton
The moments come and go. The sheer desire to recapture some of those moments, because many of them were opportunities, can have such a negative impact on our moving forward in our course of life. The aspect of remaining with the status quo, in many instances, is the reason we allow opportunities to pass by. Is this about fear? Is it about the concern of what others will think? Or, can it be that deep down you may not truly believe you deserve something better that what you currently have? Possibly, it can be something other than what was mentioned. When it’s all said and done, you will know the true reason for missed opportunities; not the excuses you may relay to others.
Conditioning is the idea of training or accustoming a person to behave in a certain way. Many of us have been conditioned to behave and respond to certain things in a particular way. For the more open-minded individual, assessing your life experiences and closely looking at your responses to new things that may arise in your life, is critical. When something different or new arises, is the response “oh this is new, I’m very interested in this”. Or, is the new thing or situation scrutinized and dissected before it’s really investigated? Not to mention if others are initially scrutinizing the new thing, many of us will fall in line with the same scrutinizing response. This is the in-group/out-group idea. Many of us would prefer to be a part of the group opposed to outside the group; even if you don’t internally agree with the consensus. Some will tolerate the burn within the soul to remain with the group. What is this about?
There was a time when making a decision on my own, or having an independent thought, despite what the majority said, was the most frightening thing. We ultimately take stock in what others think, despite what we tend to say verbally. However, is it good stock or bad stock? Learning to hear the positive messages takes a level of mindfulness and determination if you are to fulfill those innate passions in life. The whole idea of being alone with making a decision or having an independent voice about a given subject can be intimidating for some. To relay your truth and have your voice heard requires risk. Risks have been taken by some of the most productive and inspiring people. Wouldn’t you like to be productive and inspiring?
The fear can’t be allowed to restrict you from your goals in life. You are a person with individual thoughts and feelings. Have you ever been in a situation when a group that you were a part of were making a decision about something and you didn’t agree with the decision, but you didn’t speak up to present the idea you had, and the outcome wasn’t good? What did you tell yourself? Did you tell anyone the idea you had? This is something that occurs regularly, and the result is regret and resentment towards self. Remember there are some places we just don’t fit in, because they are too small for us.
It’s time to recondition the mind and get rid of the box that has been built around you. It’s not just about thinking outside the box, because that’s only for a moment; the box must be destroyed.
Evolve is a word or concept that continually gets thrown around, especially as it relates to doing better or improving. So, why aren’t we more inclined to use the word better or improve? Maybe it’s due to the aforementioned words appearing too plain, bland, or self-explanatory. The word Evolve may seem more of a process that includes sequential stages. Or, it may be a word that is used by intellectuals to identify the process of change and its importance. The definition of Evolve is to achieve or develop gradually, or to produce by natural evolutionary processes. No matter how you may interpret the word, the simple concept is about change; if it be in position, thinking or way of living.
This short writing is just a preliminary/introduction to ideas and breakdown of EVOLVE. Evolve is change. Evolve in this context is about positive change and evolve is a process that will hopefully result in lasting change. EVOLVE will present steps and positive ways to identify barriers that many of us may have, or have failed to recognize, in our pursuit of making lasting change in our lives. Some of those barriers are a result of past experiences, not necessarily traumatic experiences, but experiences that have impacted our thinking and ways of doing things. You know, those things we consider NORMAL, when in fact they really aren’t. You may not be able to recognize the faulty thinking patterns at the moment, and how they have guided some of the impulsive/bad decisions that we may have made along our journey. We will get an opportunity to truly embark on our past experiences in the world and hopefully obtain a different perspective of our current position. In doing this, we will begin working on the Self-Narrative; the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. The Narrative has had significant role in how we have lived our lives. It has guided us to this point and it’s time to change it. The same story we tell ourselves is the story we tell the rest of the world. Change may be needed. EVOLVE is coming but in the meantime, look within and begin identifying the faulty thinking/beliefs and assess the narrative that you’ve relayed to yourself over and over.
This a concept that has so many perspectives. An all inclusive post regarding this is coming real soon.
C. W. Stratton
“Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken.”
Saying “if you’re not with me, you’re against me”, isn’t an accurate statement in many respects. However, you will hear this statement made in many settings/interactions; family, friends, social and employment. There are those times when an individual doesn’t actually verbalize these exact words but if you don’t agree with a position they hold on a given situation, this is relayed; even non-verbal. Some people are shunned or talked about when they’re not present because that individual has decided to take an independent position regarding a given situation. There are instances when a group of individuals may have an idea about a particular situation and since the majority agrees with what’s presented, it is relayed as accurate. However, amongst that group there is a tendency of at least one individual within that group that may not actually agree with the consensus. This can be quite challenging for that individual and there are times where that individual may have the accurate information but feels compelled to stand with the group and not “rock the boat”. The contributing factor regarding this could be a fear of rejection or our desire to please others.
There are so many that have been in that position and over time of consistently doing this, they make it a common practice. The fear of having an original thought and not exposing it, especially when accurate, can have a negative impact on the outcome of what’s being discussed, along with impacting your growth and development as a person. Fear is crippling in itself and the fear of what others think about you can be just as damaging. We have the innate ability to have independent thoughts and actions but there are times when you choose the easy route and allow others to make the decisions for us; through agreeing with the majority even if we don’t really agree. Think of a situation(s) when you were amongst others and there was a consensus about something and you didn’t agree with, but never said anything. Many of us wish that moment could occur again so we could speak up. It brings you back to “If you’re not, with me, you’re against me”. Would it be such a tragedy to relay what you know to be true, despite the majority’s position? No! It would mean you’re expressing your knowledge of a given situation and your desire for a positive outcome. Just because my thoughts are unlike others doesn’t mean I’m against them. It means I don’t agree with what’s being relayed; that’s all. It shouldn’t create resentment, distrust or perpetuate a lack of commitment to the group.
We all have some sort of standard when it comes to morals, beliefs and values. When we encounter interactions or discussions that totally go against those standards, we shouldn’t have to compromise them in order to please others. It’s not what others think about us that’s important, what’s important is what we think of ourselves. Because at the end of the day, we are left with our own thoughts and assessments of situations. Do we rest peacefully, or do we lay with regret? Live Life Fulling, Live Life Wholeheartedly, Live Boundless.
Life has the tendency or throwing us for a loop emotionally, but we must remain resilient in our pursuits.
C. W. Stratton
“How people treat you is their karma; how you respond is yours.”
During our lifespan we will be challenged on so many levels; physically, psychologically and emotionally. There are those of us who have overcome significant obstacles, both physically and psychologically. However, emotional obstacles tend to trip us up along our journey. Although we may convince ourselves we are attuned to what we are experiencing emotionally at given times, we may not truly know what emotion we are truly experiencing. With this said, we tend to verbalize an emotion that’s easy to relay when we are asked what we are experiencing at the moment. Many times we say:
None of the above are actually emotions, nor are they feelings. We utilize the aforementioned on many occasions to avoid feeling vulnerable. Those statements are protective factors in some respect. Many of the emotions that we experience usually stem from an outside source; it’s not usually physical. Those outside sources sometime touches a sensitive part of us which generates a reaction; discomfort or pain. There are those of us when confronted by the external actions, it touches a vulnerable place within our minds also. The faulty thinking that may accompany what is occurring, allows the actions of the external stimuli to reside there for extended periods of time. This creates a host of confusing feelings and emotional responses, to the point that we have difficulty identifying what we are really experiencing. As a result, we default to our usual way of handling things; whatever that may be for you.
There are those times when emotional confusion occurs and this can happen when we are confronted by some form of reality. When outside stimuli is involved in a given situation we have the tendency to say, “they are pushing my buttons”. Remember that buttons are on clothing and gadgets. We are not clothing or some kind of gadget that has a button that requires pushing in order to be activated. We are beings that can actually dictate emotional responses when encountering a given situation. The most important aspect of dictating emotional responses is to become informed and fully aware of what we are experiencing. Having the discipline to “pause” and assess a situation before reacting is critical to the process of becoming more “emotionally intelligent”.
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize one’s own emotions and the emotions of others, and to identify them appropriately. The information obtained from this can assist in guiding thinking and behavior. Specific identification of what we are experiencing or witnessing is paramount. This is not a task that can be accomplished overnight, this takes time. Given that virtuous effort is placed into becoming fully aware, we begin that path of peace and hopefully nirvana. No matter the experience or source of that experience, keep pushing forward.
Being “Original” in thought and action is an accomplishment we all strive for.
C. W. Stratton
To be “Original” is to be independent in thought or action. Then you have the obvious definition; to be the first. However, we will concentrate on the first listed definition and assess how this plays out in some of our personal lives. For some, the idea of being independent in thought or actions can be quite scary. This may be due to the fear of what others may say or think about us. As a result of this, we default to living off of someone else’s’ idea’s, successes, achievements, and direction. Although our learning is rooted from obtaining information from outside sources such as parents, friends, teachers or colleagues, many us have remained dependent on these sources even in adulthood. Our dependency on the aforementioned makes decision-making and problem solving non-existent; no effort needed.
Standing alone or standing for something you believe in, when no one else will, can be nerve-racking and frightening. Since we refuse to experience these feeling, we decide to follow the status quo, even if we don’t agree with it internally. We compromise our inner-strength, knowledge and natural abilities, just to fit in. Eventually we are encapsulated by the opinions, beliefs and values of others. Obviously, not all of us can be originators of ideas and certain accomplishments but at some point in the process we should have acquired our own direction for our lives, as we see fit. There are those who have inadequacies and insecurities that have been engrained in us over the years. We bring those same inadequacies and insecurities into our current circumstances. The fear of revealing these keeps us motivated to fit in where we may actually never fit it. This creates life-dissatisfaction and a lack of fulfillment.
We must begin tapping into our innate abilities and identify what our true passions are in life. This will provide direction which will result in becoming motivated to be our true-selves. Fear can be a motivator but in many cases, it becomes a barrier to accomplishment. Courage must be found in the midst of fear. There are those who may not agree with the direction you have chosen for your life, but make sure your direction is positive, fulfilling and have the ability to reach others who may be in an indecisive place in their lives. Become an example of the wonders that life can offer and never short-change yourself when it comes to your goals and desires. You are only given one life, make it count.
C. W. Stratton
The desire to improve our lives is viewed as a normal aspect of our society. We are constantly presented with ways to become a better person. Right from birth we are taught how to behave and what’s expected of us to be a productive individual. Those closest to use who are feeding us information, are going off of their own point of reference. This doesn’t mean what’s being conveyed to us is inaccurate. Those individuals points of reference eventually become our own at some point. This tends to create a continuum that will go through generations. The cycle continues until someone breaks free of the taught thinking and behavior that has become a so-call “norm”. When this does occur, that person is immediately looked down upon because they are living the up to the status quo that had been created.
Many times, there are those of us who have no clue why we do, what we do. We acknowledge that others are doing it, so it must be right. This can be related to so many different things in our lives:
We follow the majority in many cases. This may be due to our personal fear of leading, fear of being expansive, or fear of starting something new outside the familiar. We want more out of life but we don’t take the required steps to be innovative and original. As a result, we remain within a suffering state that fuels disappointment, underachievement, and life dissatisfaction. However, we continue to push along with the crowd in hopes that something miraculous occurs to change our circumstances.
We spend a considerable amount of time and energy improving our “external” conditions, to obtain a sense of freedom, happiness, and to solve many of life’s problems. Improving “external” conditions will never solve “internal” problems. At the very moment you feel an internal problem is solved by improving external conditions, something else will arise within which will result in focusing on the external once again; to get that warn and accomplished feeling back. Working backwards like this is likes being on a hamster wheel; you feel like you’re moving forward but you’re actually going nowhere. We must learn to control the mind and desires to achieve the happiness we ultimately seek.
First improve “internal conditions” in order to maintain those external things.