Building Capacity: Why Men Must Prioritize Their Mental and Emotional Health

C.W. Stratton

For generations, many men have been taught to be strong, self-reliant, and resilient. While these qualities can be valuable, they often come with an unintended consequence: men may feel pressure to suppress emotions, avoid vulnerability, and carry life’s burdens alone.

The reality is that mental and emotional health are just as important as physical health. Just as we strengthen our muscles through exercise, we can strengthen our emotional capacity through intentional practice. Capacity is our ability to manage stress, navigate challenges, regulate emotions, recover from setbacks, and continue moving forward without becoming overwhelmed.

The question isn’t whether stress, disappointment, grief, anxiety, or frustration will show up in our lives. The question is whether we have built the internal capacity to handle them when they do.

What Does It Mean to Build Capacity?

Emotional and mental capacity refers to our ability to tolerate discomfort, manage difficult emotions, adapt to change, and remain grounded during challenging situations.

When capacity is low, even minor stressors can feel overwhelming. A disagreement at home, a difficult day at work, financial concerns, or unexpected setbacks can quickly lead to frustration, anger, withdrawal, anxiety, or emotional exhaustion.

When capacity is high, we are better equipped to pause, think clearly, respond intentionally, and maintain perspective despite life’s challenges.

Building capacity is not about becoming emotionless. It is about becoming emotionally stronger.

Why Men Often Struggle

Many men grow up hearing messages such as:

  • “Man up.”
  • “Don’t cry.”
  • “Handle it yourself.”
  • “Be tough.”

Over time, these messages can create barriers to emotional awareness and emotional expression.

Instead of processing emotions, many men learn to:

  • Distract themselves with work.
  • Suppress difficult feelings.
  • Avoid conversations about emotional struggles.
  • Use anger as a substitute for vulnerability.
  • Isolate when stressed.

Unfortunately, emotions that are ignored do not disappear. They often emerge through anxiety, irritability, depression, relationship conflict, substance use, physical health concerns, or chronic stress.

The strongest thing a man can do is not suppress his emotions—it is learning how to understand and manage them effectively.

Practical Tools to Build Emotional Capacity

1. Learn to Identify What You’re Feeling

Many men can easily identify when they’re angry but struggle to recognize what’s underneath the anger.

Often beneath anger are emotions such as:

  • Fear
  • Disappointment
  • Shame
  • Hurt
  • Loneliness
  • Rejection
  • Anxiety

A simple daily practice is asking yourself:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Take a moment to name the emotion without judging it.

Research consistently shows that simply identifying emotions reduces their intensity and increases emotional regulation.

2. Create a Daily Check-In

Most men spend time checking emails, messages, and social media. Few spend time checking in with themselves.

Set aside five minutes each day and ask:

  • How am I doing mentally?
  • How am I doing emotionally?
  • What is causing me stress?
  • What do I need right now?

This simple practice increases self-awareness and helps identify issues before they become larger problems.

3. Build Healthy Connections

Isolation is one of the greatest threats to men’s mental health.

Many men have acquaintances but very few meaningful connections where they can speak honestly about life’s challenges.

Building emotional capacity requires connection.

Identify at least one person with whom you can have authentic conversations:

  • A friend
  • Family member
  • Mentor
  • Coach
  • Therapist
  • Support group member

Connection creates perspective, accountability, and support during difficult times.

4. Strengthen Your Stress Response

Stress itself is not the problem. Our response to stress determines its impact.

Develop healthy stress-management habits such as:

  • Regular exercise
  • Walking outdoors
  • Deep breathing exercises
  • Meditation
  • Journaling
  • Prayer or spiritual practice
  • Adequate sleep

These practices help regulate the nervous system and improve emotional resilience.

5. Practice Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation does not mean suppressing emotions.

It means learning to pause before reacting.

When faced with a stressful situation:

  1. Pause.
  2. Take several slow breaths.
  3. Identify what you’re feeling.
  4. Consider the consequences of your response.
  5. Respond intentionally rather than impulsively.

This skill alone can improve relationships, decision-making, and overall well-being.

6. Challenge Unhelpful Thinking

Many emotional struggles are intensified by the stories we tell ourselves.

Common examples include:

  • “I’m failing.”
  • “I should be able to handle this alone.”
  • “Things will never get better.”
  • “People will think less of me if I ask for help.”

Ask yourself:

  • Is this thought completely true?
  • What evidence supports it?
  • What evidence contradicts it?
  • What would I tell a friend in this situation?

Replacing distorted thinking with balanced thinking builds psychological flexibility and resilience.

7. Develop a Growth Mindset

Every challenge presents an opportunity to grow.

Instead of asking:

“Why is this happening to me?”

Try asking:

“What can this situation teach me?”

A growth mindset helps transform adversity into development rather than defeat.

Building Resilience Through Small Daily Actions

Resilience is not built during a crisis.

It is built through consistent daily practices before the crisis arrives.

Just as physical strength develops through repeated exercise, emotional strength develops through repeated emotional work.

Small actions matter:

  • Having honest conversations
  • Asking for support
  • Setting boundaries
  • Managing stress effectively
  • Practicing self-awareness
  • Taking care of your physical health
  • Processing emotions rather than avoiding them

These actions gradually increase your capacity to handle life’s challenges.

Final Thoughts

Being mentally and emotionally healthy does not mean you never struggle. It means you have developed the tools and capacity to navigate those struggles effectively.

Men are often encouraged to focus on performance, productivity, and achievement. While those things have value, true strength extends beyond what we accomplish. It includes our ability to understand ourselves, manage our emotions, build meaningful relationships, and persevere through adversity.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is growth.

Every day presents an opportunity to strengthen your emotional health, expand your capacity, and become more resilient. The investment you make in your mental and emotional well-being today will benefit your relationships, your work, your family, and most importantly, your quality of life for years to come.

Fitting In

C.W. Stratton

In a world that often rewards conformity, the concept of being “original” can feel both empowering and unsettling. To be original is not merely to be first—it is to be independent in thought and action. It is the willingness to think for oneself, to move with intention, and to define one’s own path rather than inherit one from others.

For many individuals, this level of independence can be intimidating. The fear of judgment—of what others may say, think, or assume—can quietly shape decisions and behaviors. Over time, this fear encourages reliance on the ideas, accomplishments, and direction of others. While learning from parents, teachers, peers, and colleagues is both natural and necessary, prolonged dependence can limit personal growth. When external guidance becomes a substitute for internal clarity, decision-making weakens, and problem-solving becomes passive rather than purposeful.

Standing alone—especially when it means standing for something deeply personal—can evoke discomfort. It requires confronting uncertainty, embracing vulnerability, and tolerating the possibility of disapproval. To avoid these emotional risks, many individuals adopt the status quo, even when it conflicts with their internal values. In doing so, they compromise their inner strength, diminish their voice, and gradually lose connection with their authentic identity.

Over time, this pattern can lead to a life shaped more by external expectations than internal conviction. The result is often dissatisfaction, a lack of fulfillment, and a persistent sense of misalignment. Many carry forward insecurities and self-doubt developed earlier in life, allowing these experiences to influence present choices. The desire to conceal these vulnerabilities further reinforces the need to “fit in,” even in spaces where true belonging may never exist.

However, there is a different path—one that requires intentional self-reflection and courage. It begins with reconnecting to one’s innate abilities and identifying genuine passions. When individuals align with what is meaningful to them, direction becomes clearer, and motivation becomes intrinsic rather than externally driven.

Fear will always be present. Yet, while fear can serve as a signal, it should not become a barrier. Courage is not the absence of fear—it is the decision to move forward despite it. Choosing authenticity requires strength, but it also cultivates resilience, clarity, and purpose.

There will inevitably be individuals who question or disagree with the direction one chooses. That is an unavoidable aspect of living authentically. What matters most is that the chosen path is constructive, fulfilling, and grounded in values that uplift both the individual and those around them. In doing so, one not only lives with intention but also becomes a source of inspiration for others navigating their own uncertainty.

Ultimately, life offers a single opportunity to define who we are and how we choose to live. It is not meant to be lived in quiet conformity or shaped solely by external influence. It is meant to be explored with purpose, expressed with authenticity, and lived with conviction.

Make that life count.

Trauma and Meditation

C.W. Stratton

Trauma can leave a deep imprint on an individual’s emotional and physical well-being. For many, the effects of trauma manifest as anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, a constant state of tension, or operating in survival mode on a constant basis. While therapy and other forms of treatment play a significant role in recovery, an often overlooked yet powerful tool for healing is meditation.

Here’s how meditation helps in addressing trauma and promoting emotional resilience:

1. Regulating the Nervous System

Trauma can cause the nervous system to become dysregulated, often keeping us in a state of hyperarousal (fight, flight, or freeze mode). This leads to feelings of anxiety, irritability, anger, and stress. Meditation works to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for rest and relaxation. Through mindfulness practices, one can learn to calm their minds and body, helping with becoming more grounded and present.

2. Building Emotional Awareness

Many who are dealing with trauma experience emotional numbness or avoidance, where they disconnect from their feelings to protect themselves. Meditation encourages self-reflection and awareness, creating a safe space to reconnect with and process emotions in a non-judgmental way. Over time, this fosters emotional resilience and a deeper understanding of one’s internal world.

3. Reducing Flashbacks and Intrusive Thoughts

Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts are common symptoms of trauma, and they can be distressing and disruptive. Meditation, especially mindfulness-based practices, helps individuals gain more control over their thought patterns. By staying focused on the present moment and learning to observe thoughts without attaching to them, survivors can reduce the power of flashbacks and break free from the loop of intrusive thinking.

4. Promoting a Sense of Safety

For those who have experienced trauma, it can be difficult to feel safe within their own bodies. Meditation encourages grounding techniques that promote body awareness and safety. Guided body scans or breathwork meditations are particularly effective in helping survivors tune into their bodies, rebuild trust in their physical sensations, and develop a sense of calm and safety from within.

5. Healing Through Self-Compassion

Those who experienced trauma often carry feelings of guilt, shame, or self-blame. Meditation fosters self-compassion by allowing individuals to approach their experiences with kindness and acceptance, rather than judgment. This shift in mindset can be transformative, helping survivors release the emotional burdens they carry and begin to heal from a place of love and understanding.

6. Improving Sleep and Restfulness

Many people who have experienced trauma struggle with sleep disturbances such as insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep. Regular meditation practice can improve sleep quality by calming the mind before bed, reducing hypervigilance, and promoting relaxation. Mindfulness and breathing techniques are particularly effective at enhancing restfulness and making it easier to fall and stay asleep.

Conclusion

Meditation is a powerful tool that complements traditional trauma therapies. By helping to regulate the nervous system, reduce intrusive thoughts, and cultivate self-compassion, meditation can aid survivors in their healing journey. It is an accessible, self-directed practice that empowers individuals to regain control over their minds and bodies, paving the way for long-term recovery and emotional well-being.

Incorporating even a few minutes of meditation into your daily routine can make a significant difference in how you cope with and heal from trauma.

Depending on the severity of the trauma, one may want to consider practicing with a partner, a therapist, or other professional who is knowledgeable about trauma and meditation techniques.

Mental Health and Black Communities

C.W. Stratton

Addressing mental health in black communities is of paramount importance due to several reasons:

  1. Historical Trauma: Black communities have experienced centuries of systemic oppression, racism, and discrimination, leading to intergenerational trauma. This trauma can manifest in various mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Addressing mental health means acknowledging and healing from this historical trauma.
  2. Stigma: There is a pervasive stigma surrounding mental health within black communities, which often prevents individuals from seeking help. This stigma is rooted in cultural beliefs, historical mistrust of mental health systems, and fear of discrimination. Breaking down these barriers is crucial for individuals to access the support they need.
  3. Health Disparities: Black individuals often face disparities in access to mental health care compared to their white counterparts. These disparities can be attributed to factors such as socioeconomic status, lack of culturally competent care, and institutional racism within healthcare systems. Addressing mental health means advocating for equitable access to resources and services.
  4. Intersectionality: Mental health in black communities intersects with various other social factors such as gender, sexuality, and socioeconomic status. Black LGBTQ+ individuals, for example, may face unique challenges related to both their race and sexual orientation/gender identity. Recognizing and addressing these intersecting identities is essential for providing effective support.
  5. Impact on Community Well-being: Mental health issues not only affect individuals but also have broader implications for the well-being of black communities as a whole. Untreated mental health conditions can contribute to higher rates of substance abuse, incarceration, unemployment, and family breakdowns. By prioritizing mental health, communities can promote resilience, cohesion, and overall thriving.
  6. Cultural Competence: Traditional mental health services may not always be culturally competent or sensitive to the needs of black individuals. Recognizing and respecting cultural differences in attitudes towards mental health is crucial for providing effective care. Culturally tailored interventions that incorporate community values, beliefs, and practices can be more successful in addressing mental health concerns.

In conclusion, addressing mental health in black communities is essential for healing from historical trauma, reducing stigma, addressing disparities, recognizing intersectionality, promoting community well-being, and providing culturally competent care. It requires a multifaceted approach that involves education, advocacy, policy changes, and community-based interventions.

Calling All Family Members

By C.W. Stratton

“Alcoholism and other addictions aren’t a spectator sport. Eventually, the whole family gets to play.” ~ Joyce Rebeta Burditt

Addiction affects the addicted individual and impacts the family and those who care about them as well. As many of us know, addiction has an insidious way of restructuring the family and family systems. Family roles become confusing, and the members seem to stumble over one another, figuring out how to fix the problem. Making attempts at fixing the problem creates even more dysfunction within the family dynamic. Families respond to addiction in numerous ways. However, typical responses are listed below:

  • Ignoring the Problem
  • Taking a Harsh Approach
  • Accommodate The Individual
  • Enabling
  • Giving Up
  • Try To Live “Around” The Situation
  • Denial
  • Lack of Trust 

Many families, particularly parents, have a habit of blaming themselves for the individual’s addiction, and blaming statements hinder families in becoming well-informed and aware of the aspects of addiction. Families subconsciously take ownership of the behaviors that the addicted individual displays.   

Some Blaming Statements

Parents blame themselves in various ways. Here are some typical statements made: 

  • I didn’t provide the love they needed
  • Maybe I gave them too much
  • I should have been more attentive
  • Maybe those kids weren’t so bad and I should have let them hang out with…
  • I’m a terrible parent/spouse
  • It’s my fault; I moved us to this neighborhood

 There Must Be Something I Can Do!

There are those families that take a “power and control over the addict” approach. Although they may believe they are in control of the situation, in all reality, they are as out of control as the addict, but for different reasons.  

Parents will attempt to restrict the individual’s movements, withhold financial help, spy on the individual’s every move from cell phone calls to social media activity. The family spends a considerable amount of time spying and watching the individual’s movements, and in the process, they become just as ill as the individual.   

Those families become accustomed to this way of living and never realize that the addicted person still controls their activities, behaviors, and feelings. 

Some Protective Behaviors and Statements of Families

Other families become so fearful of what the individual may do that they transition their thinking and behaviors into protecting the addicted person from harm, without realizing that they may prolong the addiction and increase the risk of overdose and death. Some common behaviors and statements include:

  • I give them money so they don’t commit a crime.
  • I’d rather they use here; at least, I know where they are or what they’re doing.
  • I have to bail them out of jail because that’s not a good place.
  • I can’t tell the rest of the family what has been going on.
  • I’ll take you to get your alcohol/drugs because I don’t want you using the car.
  • Just don’t bring the stuff around here.
  • Call me if you’re too high to get home, I’ll pick you up.
  • One parent lets the individual come home only when the other parent isn’t present.
  • Don’t tell your father/mother I gave you the money.

With these behaviors and statements, families feel that they have control of the situation. However, knowing what the individual is doing and protecting them from harm doesn’t provide an avenue for the individual and family to get better. It enables the addicted person to continue the behavior and not have an opportunity of seeing the dangers and damage they’ve created. 

Their Fixes Aren’t Working on Me!

The addicted individual will guilt loved ones into accepting their actions or even threaten self-harm to get what they want, often to continue using. There still exists the illusion of control for the parents or spouse despite the evident chaos. Families adapt to the addicted individual, which makes it comfortable for that person to continue using. Even though enabling isn’t the family intent, this is often the outcome. 

When the Addict Wants to Fix Themselves

There does come a time when the addicted individual experiences a crisis or a consequence that begins to put things in perspective that may result in the person contemplating the need to make changes in their lives. Some life-altering experiences include: 

  • Loss of family relations 
  • Homelessness 
  • Loss of employment 
  • Health concerns 
  • Criminal justice involvement

Sometimes the individual becomes “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” When the addict decides to make changes, the family systems experience another adjustment. 

While the individual may no longer be using, some family responses during active addiction remain during the recovery process, and families often have a hard time understanding their new role.  

They no longer feel in control; they no longer feel needed. When these feeling bubble up, the parents can then feel jealous of new recovery options like meetings and sponsors, or they are unwilling to establish trust again. 

Family Statements and Behaviors During Recovery Process

Not every family responds the same when the addicted individual enters the recovery process, but reactions occur. However, almost all family members are unsure of their role. 

They often feel lost, confused, or become so overbearing toward the individual that it strains the relationships even further. When the family does not know what new actions and responses to use or hasn’t gotten help for themselves, they tend to maintain some of their past thoughts.

  • Are they clean?
  • They look high, but I’m not sure.
  • When can we trust them? 
  • Where are they going with those new friends? 
  • The family searches the rooms when the addict is gone. 
  • The family still hides valuables.
  • They haven’t asked me to take them anywhere; what are they up to? 
  • How do we interact and relate to this new person? 
  • They haven’t asked to borrow money. Is that a good thing? 
  • Is there someone looking for them because they haven’t left the house all day?
  • Who are these new people they are hanging around? They look shady.

The now recovering person experiences difficulties initially due to the ongoing mistrust and lack of confidence that the family has regarding the individual making changes in their lives. We know that families want the best for the individual but are unaware of how to support and encourage the person and their changes. 

Fixing the Whole Family

Addiction is a family disease in which all members need to find ways to heal. Only identifying the addicted individual as the issue within the household isolates the person and doesn’t provide an opportunity to expose the exact nature of when, why, and how things occurred. 

For families to reunite or become a unit again, all parties should take the time to look at themselves and ask the question; am I helping fix the situation or contributing to the problem?

This question may be challenging to answer. If you are a family member in this situation, look at what’s going on and think about how important the addicted individual is to you.  

Addiction must be exposed; hiding it only prolongs the use and the possibility of more destruction. We are battling a severe epidemic in our communities and the rest of the world. It’s time to fight for ourselves and our loved ones.  

It is a matter of life or death. Addiction is a family disease. Let’s heal together.

Know Your Family Resources 

There are self-help groups and additional counseling for family members of the addicted person, which can help on so many different levels. Family Resources: 

Resources for Families Coping with Mental and Substance Use Disorders | SAMHSA

Addiction Resources and Help for Families | Hazelden Betty Ford

Support Groups for Families of Drug Addicted & Alcoholic Persons (americanaddictionfoundation.com)

Addiction: Is There An Answer? 

C.W. Stratton

There are many reasons that an individual starts down the path of addiction. People have studied addiction, looking for ‘the answer.’ Many of us acknowledge that not a single reason equates to full-blown addiction. 

The many studies, theories, opinions, and research around the subject still have many people scratching their heads, resulting in assumptions about the cause. Some things that are known to be contributing factors include:

  1. Genetic Factors
  2. Environmental Factors
  3. Psychological Factors

Although these are significant factors associated with addiction, we still wonder – why do people use? 

If we look at genetics as a contributing factor, the gene identified within the person doesn’t eventually fire off at a moment’s notice. The person decides to use a given substance; despite never being a user of substances. People don’t wake up one morning and say, “I’ll go to the liquor store and start drinking every day,” or, “I think I’ll find the neighborhood dope dealer and become a regular customer.”

The environmental cause doesn’t mean the person “catches addiction” like you would catch a cold. However, poverty, lack of educational opportunities, and poor role models all contribute. 

We have to look at the individual’s psychological makeup to determine why someone would use substances and become addicted. 

I know, I know, these three factors can be viewed deeper, including research and study outcomes. However, each of the three categories has a common denominator – feelings and emotions. 

Whatever The Reasons, There Are Feelings And Emotions 

You know feelings – those things that we do our best to guard and to avoid discussing. But beyond more research, there are reasons we know. People use to change the way they feel. Whether it is to change their feelings or to bury the feelings, they are having. We hear this most often talked about in recovery support meetings, too.  

The way we deal with feelings often dictates how our day will be and how we respond or react to different situations.

Feelings and Emotions Challenge Us

Feelings and emotions also challenge our commitment to the recovery process.  A feeling is an emotional state or reaction. At the same time, emotion is a natural, instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationship with others.  In many instances, the two tend to be confused with one another.

Reflecting on the internal reasons people engage in destructive/addictive behavior, feelings or emotions often fuel their thoughts and actions. A good example is that feeling of inadequacy. We may feel inadequate in specific settings or situations.  

However, some people feel inadequate in most situations, no matter the circumstances. 

These people may yearn to have this feeling quieted, especially as they see their peers presenting as confident, secure, and comfortable in those social situations. 

Feelings Fuel Our Decisions

“Preaching at people about behaviours, even self-destructive ones, did little good when I didn’t or couldn’t help them with the emotional dynamics driving those behaviours.”― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

Feelings and emotions are known to drive our decision-making. Being controlled by these is dangerous and detrimental to our recovery. The following is a partial list of complicated feelings and emotions and may lead a person back to use.

  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Being Overwhelmed
  • Depressed
  • Excitement
  • Frustration
  • Guilt
  • Happiness
  • Inadequacy
  • Insecurity
  • Shame

We can add many more because it doesn’t matter what we are experiencing, but our response to it is most critical. 

We’re going to have many feelings and emotions, and the root of these often comes from outside sources, which means we can control how we respond and whether we choose to return to active addiction because we don’t like the way we’re feeling. 

Active Addiction Can Stop If We Don’t Relapse

Being reactive to situations that arise in our lives places us at greater risk for relapse. And, when this does occur, we often realize that we should have handled a given situation differently and not reacted to our feelings and emotions. 

As a result, we may continue to use substances after that relapse. If we are lucky, we will get another opportunity to recover. It takes weeks, months, and even years for some to get back into recovery. The delay in returning to meetings or reconnecting with those who had previously supported us isn’t always connected to the obsession and compulsion to use; it’s sometimes centered around the guilt and shame that we acquired along with way. 

Guilt and Shame Keep People in Active Addiction 

These two feelings can destroy the core of an individual, especially as it relates to recovery. We are ashamed to let those know we returned to active addiction. We become consumed with guilt about our actions. Often, we’ll think that if we don’t go back to those meetings, everyone will assume we’re going to other meetings. 

We say to ourselves, “I’ll never go back to that meeting; maybe I’ll try to hold on and make it seem that everything’s alright.” As we continue with these thoughts, the delay in returning to the very place that has saved us and provided a new life for ourselves becomes even greater. 

I Know That Feeling and Emotion

Over time, we can get to a place where feelings and emotions no longer dictate the directions in which we go. Being able to name specific emotions and feelings as they arise is critical in this process. 

Many have the instinct to run and hide when certain emotions or feelings emerge. The running or hiding sometimes manifests as acting out in some way.

We either turn on others, but most importantly, we turn on ourselves. Reflect on a time where an outside source provoked intense feelings or emotions (someone disrespected you, hurt you, or embarrassed you), and the automatic thought is to lash out or react in some way. 

When we don’t address the matter head-on, our behavior tends to display, “I’ll show you, I’ll hurt me.” We do something destructive that will only impact our lives and not affect the other person – that’ ‘turning on ourselves.’

Feelings and emotions will always exist; we won’t be able to avoid them as they surface. Managing them and acquiring healthy ways to respond are most important. We must begin working through them and fully experience the feeling and emotion to understand better what it’s all about. Or to find out why we respond and react to certain things as we do. Everyone doesn’t react to a given feeling or emotion that same way. 

Go Ahead and Feel It

Some subconsciously talk themselves out of an appropriate response by going back to the “default” response. We return to what’s familiar but not necessarily comfortable. Look at what your given “default” response is, then assess the results of it. I’m sure we can find “fault” with the “default.” 

Many of our responses to situations are related to our belief systems. Our belief systems have affected us on many levels. We learned these from one another through observation, imitating, and modeling. From the beginning of our lives, we know how to respond to certain situations based on how others have. 

We adopted this to the point that we believe this is just who I am and how I am. My position is that it’s only an excuse not to do the work to get a better outcome of what we are seeking. This is an example of how our beliefs can impact our recovery.

Your friend, family member, or spouse tells you “no” to something, or they are critical toward you about an action you have taken. We believe that this person is mean, doesn’t know what they are talking about, or doesn’t want us to succeed in this process. 

Then we get angry, upset, hurt, or even embarrassed. What we tend to do is curse, slam doors, stop talking to the person, and even go as far as to use substances. The domino effect (from beliefs to feelings to actions) can be catastrophic. This example is an activating event.  

Feelings and Emotions Activate the Events

 We have allowed many events to control our feelings, emotions, and actions. We have made them responsible for how we think, feel, and act. Now, it’s time to return this control to ourselves.

Recovery helps people get a different perspective on their lives. This process isn’t just about “not using” substances; this also requires an internal transformation. 

We have responded to many things in ways we have regretted and wish we had a do-over. Learning from the outcomes of our reactive and impulsive behavior of the past is crucial. We are not perfect, but to measure the quality (not quantity) of recovery, we must look further within. 

Internal battles do not have to last a lifetime – we can bring peace to our recovery, and peaceful is a feeling and emotion that’s worth working towards. 

Out with the Old – In with the New

C.W. Stratton

       “Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change.” -Jim Rohn

Recovery consists of making significant adjustments in our lives. New in recovery, we have a lot of baggage that’s weighed us down for years. 

All that excess baggage often dictates how we move through the world. And for most of us, that baggage is cumbersome and restricts us from entering many places.  

Due to this heavy load and the room it has taken up in our lives, we had trouble fitting in anywhere.   

However, if we’re going to flourish in our recovery, we have to examine that baggage. It’s time to go through some of those pieces and rid ourselves of what is still harming our recovery.

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”― Jim Rohn

People: Finding New Connections 

We have formed connections with some fascinating people during active addiction; we were loyal to these individuals to a fault. Even after deciding to turn our lives around and enter recovery, we continued being loyal to them. Despite all the suggestions we’ve heard in counseling and meetings, we continued to hold on, even when people cautioned us that our continued association with them could be devastating to our recovery.  

We made excuses for these individuals, and we made excuses for why we continued associating with them. Through trial and error and, in some cases, a relapse, we realized that changing our associations and connections is key to our growth and development in the recovery process. So, how can you start breaking away from those old associations? 

  1. Begin reaching out to those in recovery
  2. Get involved in recovery based functions
  3. Enquire about making a commitment in a given meeting (being a coffee maker or greeter)
  4. Obtain a sponsor
  5. Talk to those who you wouldn’t normally speak to that are in self-help meetings
  6. Don’t focus on individual differences; look at similarities when trying to make a new connection

As adults, it seems that many of us have a difficult time making new friends. I would jokingly suggest those with children follow their children around and they’ll teach you how to make friends.

Some of us think we don’t need more friends, but when we look at our friends, there is a distinct connection between those people and active addiction. In other words, the only thing we had in common was the act of using substances together. Think about how easy it was to talk to a stranger to get your drug of choice or talk to the liquor store man you’ve never met, but you spoke to them with ease.

A simple, “Hello, my name is…” We are now beginning conversations to enhance our lives, not to destroy our lives anymore.

And remember, they didn’t know how to be social when they entered the rooms, either. 

Places: Finding Somewhere New 

We maintained rituals and routines during our use of substances. There were places that we would go to like clockwork. If someone were observing our daily movements during this time, they would know where we were and consistently going. Some of us went to the local bar or liquor store right after work (or before), and even the merchants could predict when we would arrive.  

Today, we must begin with new routines and rituals that are healthy and conducive to our recovery. Here are a few changes we can make: 

  1. Attend a meeting before or after work
  2. Ask a few people from your support network out for dinner
  3. There are recovery events that local 12-step meeting groups organize (dances, hiking, camping, etc.)
  4. Locate social events that will not harm your recovery

Things: Look for the Triggers

This area may seem a little difficult to avoid.  Some have difficulty hearing a soda can opened in a recovery support meeting – it has taken people to the times of drinking, the first one.

Sound and smell memories are wired into our brains. Considering this, we may want to work further on the cognitive aspect of the recovery process. For example, we know that the sound of a soda can opening may actually be a soda can and not a beer.  

Given this, we must acknowledge that we have worked diligently on our recovery and have made the needed changes to avoid high-risk situations.  Over time, certain sounds are just the sounds of the environment around us.  

These adjustments to our reactions don’t happen overnight, but with time we overcome those recalls. Also identified was a song(s) that may remind us of using substances. Making changes to the things in our lives that have impacted our life’s negativity is crucial:

  1. When it comes to a specific song that reminded us of using, we have a wide variety of choices and genres of music that we can now enjoy without that recall.
  2. Certain smells that bring us back to that time require us to modify our thinking and realize that we are no longer in those places where we used substances; we are in a safer place in our lives.
  3. Lighters, spoons, or other things we use in getting high have their normal function. Lighters are used in everyday society for different uses other than substances. Spoons are utensils used for eating. It may sound easier said than done, but as the quality of our recovery increases, we change our thinking about these things.

Getting Back to New Basics

I find it helpful and inspiring to look back at and identify things we used to enjoy doing before drugs and alcohol became the priority. I’m sure we can remember quite a few. However, once we introduced substances, we discontinued those enjoyable things.  

Some of us may say, “I don’t do that anymore” or “I’m too old to do that now.”  Those are excuses used not to revisit those things. Here are some things many recovering people have identified as enjoyable that they discontinued doing in their active addiction:

  1. Being creative with their hands
  2. Drawing
  3. Hiking
  4. Riding a bike
  5. Just taking a walk in the park observing the natural environment
  6. Reading or Writing
  7. Playing an instrument
  8. Sports (actually playing the sport for leisure activity)

Change Doesn’t Have to be Dreary

“When you know what you want, and you want it bad enough, you’ll find a way to get it.”― Jim Rohn

Recovery is a process of absolute change. We must change the way we think about ourselves and the things around us. Recovering people must have increased awareness of the high-risk situations that can lead to relapse. Change is uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable to better ourselves is less painful than continuing to use substances and creating havoc on yourself with only having three options available; jails, institutions, and death.

While this isn’t a definitive list of things to replace, this will give a basic premise and a starting point for change. We must dig deep within ourselves and decide what is most important. If we can say “WE” are more important, we must begin that uncomfortable journey of resolve and healing. We don’t always have to wait until the pain is too much to bear to make life changes. Please make the needed changes; your recovery and life depend on it.

Mental Health and The Black Male-pt. 1

invisiblecrisisC.W. Stratton

“We all have mental health, but we all do not have mental illness…”

Through the years, there have been absolute evidence that much of the services and supports that individuals utilize on a daily basis in order to better cope with certain emotions/feelings or mental disorders, has not been proven helpful or effective to “everyone”.  The history also points to the African American’s reluctance to seek assistance or to speak with someone from the dominant culture (White population). Many of us do not immediately connect this reluctance to the history or racism, prejudice, slavery, and discrimination; which are integral parts of American history and of the African American experience.  This writing is not to continue rehashing the history or to create a Us vs Them situation.  It’s about enlightening and informing, in an effort to begin healing during the current climate we are in.  There are some communities that are really in crisis and some do not even acknowledge it.  This moment of crisis can either break everyone or create solid supports to assist those who are suffering.

Seeking help for intense emotions, confusion, fears, substance use, or cognitive difficulties was something that was not sought.  If you were to even bring it up, the messages received was that you were weak, you were told to suck it up, man-up, or just get over it.  I’m my earlier years, the phrase was “put a H on your chest and handle it”.  In knowing this or hearing this, you would never ask for help with what you were experiencing.  So, you just hold on and stuff the feelings. These messages have been handed down from one generation to the next.  Even today, many of us as adults, are relaying this to our young people.  This is unfortunate. Many of us remember and know the old adage, “what goes on my in house stays in my house”.  We may have heard this from our parents, other family members, or some of us are relaying this same message to our young today.  When this is being relayed to anyone in the home, especially to a young person, it can be troubling in the long run.  If I have to utter these words at any point means that something occurring in the home shouldn’t be occurring.  These things could be:

*Verbal Abuse

*Emotional Abuse

*Violence

*Illegal Activity

*Neglect (lack of food, cleanliness, or care)

*Other forms of Abuse

*Substance Use

*Abruptly Absent Parent (due to incarceration)

*Emotionally Unavailable Parent

So, we tell our young people in our homes to be sure to keep all of these things a secret and go out into the world and be the best person they can be. However, when they screw up in the process they will be punished on some level.  Just imagine that. That’s a lot to put on a young person to carry around and expect them to be fully functioning and worry-free individuals. Many of the above listed issues that are present in the home will or can result in forms of “trauma”.  Trauma isn’t just about being a victim of a violent situation or crime.  Being witness to many of those things listed have a great potential to result in trauma.  As you can notice, “emotionally unavailable parent” is list as well.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I take care of mine” or “they don’t need for nothing”. Yes, we can house a child and buy them things, but are we emotionally available for them, when they are in need?  When a parent isn’t there at this level, it can be devastating.

Now, we are seeing a lot of young black males acting out in so many ways that are damaging to themselves and to the communities in which they live.  The acts of violence, neglect of others, and perpetuation of the “no snitching” mentality is a direct manifestation of what they’ve experienced and learned at a very early age for many (don’t talk, don’t tell).  These are the same messages they’ve probably heard over and over when they were little boys until it became common practice.  They become most loyal to those who will do them the worse harm.  They begin exhibiting some of the same actions they’ve either witnessed at home or on their block.  Keep in mind that trauma related responses can manifest into a person becoming a perpetrator of such violence or neglect.  Some retaliations are about fear and survival tactics related to trauma. This isn’t about blame, but a way to bring some of what is being seen to the forefront.

Think of adult men who have gone through some of the same things and have never addressed it.  Many are currently struggling to keep it together or they may have difficulty managing their own emotions, despite now being an adult.  That same fear instilled in them at an early age about seeking counseling or guidance from a professional, still exists.  How do we reach these individuals to help them move out of fear and into healing?   It is imperative that we act now.

As a clinician/therapist, it is acknowledged that many service centers or agencies have psychological testing the tend to result in skewed results.  Meaning, many of the assessment tools used are not culturally competent, or they do not really address the needs of the African American client, nor do they put into account the experiences of this such client when considering providing services.  This may not mean much to you at the moment, but I needed to mention this because this is an added reason that help isn’t sought.  It’s time to create a space for Black Males in order to speak their truth and begin to heal. There are a number of qualified professionals and paraprofessionals that can assist and guide.  However, the courage to change must be included in order to do so. Having more culturally competent assessment tools and services that not only address client deficits (lack of education, unemployed, substance use, criminal history, homelessness, etc.), but address the characteristics that this population of people bring to counseling sessions is critical. This will be an ongoing matter that should be addressed. Some may disagree with what’s said here, but it’s paramount the we at least begin conversation.